When you go through life, sometimes you are faced with potentially life-altering decisions. Like what school to go to? What jobs to apply for? Whether to join this club or not, or to study overseas, or to ask that girl (or guy) out, or just whatever the hell--the act of making a decision is the important thing here. So when I decided to make a blog, I thought that this might be something a little too serious for me, but having gone through all but three simple pages, a few typed words, and some clicks of the mouse, here I am, standing on my new blog. For something so pathetically easy, all my pedantic mental posturing feels like such a waste. I wish somebody had told me it was this easy before, because I'm already far behind in the game.
But it's not like this is a sophomoric effort, I'm no stranger to blogs, or the blog-like structure. I'm not going to treat this like some livejournal, doling out the sob-ridden events of my daily life (which are not sob-ridden by the way), and my blog will not aspire to be anything more than a mouthpiece for myself--which I suppose is all fine and dandy with a bed of roses. The biggest reason for starting this is probably just for the sake of convenience. I've first started this "blogging enterprise" when MySpace was all the rage, not the empty hulking husk it is today. I wrote for my fellow high school friends, and they enjoyed it to an extent, although it made my term "cerebral orgasm" an all too recurrent theme, like the translucent slime of H.P. Lovecraft--it was the only adjective appropriate--Wipeout Pure was just that damn good.
From MySpace, I moved on to Facebook, which I gather is flavor of the month (or at least for the next year or so). There wasn't really any dedicated blog system, the only thing close to it was the "Note" functionality which I explored to the utmost of my ability, with middling results. My notes were really only available to people on my Friends List, which I assure you, is not that big, such is the length of my E-penis. I remember the good old days where people competed for the biggest and most exhaustively extensive Friend's List, hell, I got caught up in that shit myself until I realized I knew fuck-all about the random names on it. It's not about quantity, but quality.
So here I am, housed in a very bare-bones, flimsy, workman-like, and totally slipshod operation. No customization, no crazy fonts, no kick-ass banners, nothing to really inspire any kind of spark, or to indicate that any amount of creative effort went into this blog except for what I just wrote. I don't have the style, the pizazz, the draw, and hell, maybe my substance isn't what I thought it was, it's probably as half-baked as Snoop Doggy Dog or whatever iteration of "Snoop" and "Dog" he's running with right now. This place is no more freer as a public pedestal, as my soapbox, than my Notes on FaceBook. It's not really an escape from the confines of FaceBook's limited system, I'm still stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it still remains to be seen if I could manage to crack open that shell, and make something "blog-worthy" (admittedly not a very high standard).
My sincere hope is to get more exposure, but hopes have a nasty tendency to get crushed beneath the weight of reality. Writing my Notes garnered me no more attention than if I were to buy a diary, and start out my entries with "Dear Diary," since I'm still writing to an imagined and invisible audience--at least this way, I save paper. I'm back to where I started. No recognition, no acknowledgment, I might as well be chopped liver, to be ignored in favor of rump and breast. But that's fine. I'm used to starting at the bottom of the barrel, it's always a fresh start, a new beginning, renewal and all that jazz. Clawing my way, scaling a smooth wall, fighting against slippery slopes and fragile footholds, that's been the story of my life, and it ain't about to change now.
