Nightmare Inception

I've had some trouble sleeping lately. Sword and Scale must be getting to me. I'm pretty sure I'm not going crazy (that's what they all say), but it feels like I'm experiencing the burgeoning symptoms of schizophrenia.

I start hearing voices when I try to sleep. I chalk it up as a mental lapse. The brain relaxes and everything just flows out. It's indistinct, similar to crowd chatter. The voices get out of control when I close my eyes. I've even jolted awake because it sounds like someone just screamed at me. 

I've been having dreams within dreams. I saw something like the silhouette of a thin frail lady with long hair whipping her head back and forth at the base of my bed. I closed my eyes and the scene disappeared. I was in a dream then, and I was constantly falling in and waking up inside dreams. I don't have nightmares, but this is about the closest I could get to one. 

If I had to deal with this all my life, I would be feeling terrible and depressed. It's always around this time of year. I expose myself to more horror stories, and little by little, it creeps into my imagination and dwells there until I say enough is enough and I watch videos of puppies and kittens to purify my soul of the darkness. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid of closing my eyes in the shower, man.

This ain't just right.

Money

The past two weeks have been tumultuous for the stock market, to say the least. The extent of my involvement with that mess is limited to my Roth IRA. All my money is in an index fund, which means volatility won't affect me in the long run.

However, I dropped decent money to capitalize on the moment. I wasn't able to make the most efficient play, but we'll see how prices look three months from now. I'm already up way more than if I had stashed that cash into savings.

Kinda wish I did this when I had student loan money. I got into college when the economy bottomed out. If I had invested back then, my earnings would probably outpace interest.

If my recent planning frenzy about Japan has taught me anything, it's that enthusiasm can drive us to do great things. If I focused my energy into playing the stock market or finding a new job, I might reap some surprising results. Then again, my aversion to loss is borderline endemic. That's why I never gamble in Vegas.

While my usual effort may be average, I'm finding out that I'm nearly unstoppable when inspired. My current state of inspiration has been inspiring in of itself. I feel like I can do anything.

The important thing is to not get too high. I want to maintain velocity but if I overreach, I may end up crashing instead. You gotta play that delicate balance between ambition and ability. Despite my vigor, there is still much room for improvement.

Road Trip

This has been one of the longest drives of my life. I went on an epic road trip with three of my friends up to Salinas from Orange County. That's over seven hundred miles round trip, and over twelve hours stuck in a Camry.

All credit to the driver, who used his own car and drove both ways. I don't think I have the endurance for that. I'm surprised he didn't want to trade driving duties halfway.

The trip started off less than stellar. I went to work early so I could leave early. I wasn't productive since I only had four hours of sleep. Then the internet at work goes to crap when I'm on the last task. I wasted half an hour waiting for things to load. I was forced to finish at home, cutting into my preparation time.

It didn't matter, because instead of leaving at four like we planned, we departed at five, straight into the meat grinder known as LA traffic.

After an arduous drive, we dropped by a Denny's. Service was slow and we were in the middle of nowhere. There was a family with like fifteen kids all dressed up living on the prairie style. Probably homemade clothes.

When it came to getting drinks, everybody got iced coffee except me. Way to make me look bad, guys. But it turned out great, because I got coffee on the house. Thanks a lot, guys. Too bad the waitress got our orders mixed up and I ended up paying for it anyways. Screw you, waitress.

When we returned to the road, it was dark. After a few wrong turns here and there, along with a disgusting restroom break and a near collision with incoming traffic on a one lane road, we found ourselves on a desolate stretch through the mountains that went for more than fifty miles with nary a soul in sight. The radio was rolling out old tunes and the contrast was tailor made horror movie atmosphere. Remember "Home" from the X-Files anyone?

It was a lonely winding path complete with crackling radio and zero cell service. To make things worse, we learned that our host in Salinas encountered a big problem. His water heater broke down and we wouldn't be able to use the shower, sink, or toilet. What a fantastic trip.

Thankfully, that wasn't the case by the time we arrived, but we ended up having to go without hot water. The cold shower sucked, but at least we had the toilet.

We got there well past midnight and played Texas Hold 'Em until 3. Didn't win a single hand. I went to sleep. We had a big day tomorrow.

Morning came and we were still reeling. I skipped out on the cold morning shower. We went to an Indian curry place called Avatar. Not bad. I like curry.

Afterwards, we made the long trip on Pacific Coast Highway to Big Sur. It was an incredibly scenic route with fantastic coastal views, seaside bluffs, and varied landscapes. We were literally in the clouds. I left the window down for a refreshing cold blast on my face. We crossed the famous Bixby Bridge and traversed a mix of sights that ranged from rolling hills and grassy knolls to dense forests.

Big Sur itself was a big disappointment. It's the mobile games of hiking, super casual and so easy even a kid can do it. And the waterfall I wanted to see so much ended up being a tiny stream at the beach. Great views but a bad hike.

We hit up Cannery Row at Monterey for a look around downtown. It's a lively street with an eclectic assortment of shops. My favorite in particular had a bunch of different Buddha statues. He seems to like taking baths with all the water fountains around. Some of the stuff reminds me of Sagat's stage in Street Fighter.

The highlight of the trip was when we debated whether it was a log or an otter floating off the pier. One of us was sure it was an otter even though it wasn't moving at all, and the rest of us were dead set on it being a log.

We went back and forth until the "log" sprang to life. It was an otter after all. Amazing plot twist. It was chilling like no one's business. That's why it barely budged.

We got home, ate pizza, and watched Cain lose. What followed was a long philosophical debate about enlightenment, truth, and reality, along with personal research into schizophrenia. Two of my friends are psychiatric therapists, so you can see where my due diligence comes from. I got a lot of good ideas for Love Sick because of our discussion.

We chatted a bit next morning and ate leftover pizza for breakfast. It was time to go home. We set off on the long journey southward.

We took a brief detour through wine country. There were dozens of vineyards here, and it was crazy to see fields of crops along the slopes. Aside from a couple oil fields, it's really all farmland along the way home with sparse sightings of cows.

I'm still in the car as I write this on my phone, but by the time I post this, I'll be safe and sound at home. It's been one hell of a weekend, but it was fun! Time to get ready for E3, baby!

Update: Turns out I'll post this after the big conferences. It has been the E3 of dreams. I don't know if I'll even post Love Sick this week.

Maybe.

Deep Dreaming

I used to deep dream every night, but ever since I got a job, Morpheus rarely pays me a visit. It's a shame, because I've missed his company. 

These days, it happens about once or twice a week. I don't get as much sleep as I used to, and it's a lot shallower. There's the kind of sleep where I know I'm lying in bed, and then there's the kind where I'm anywhere but here.

Deep dreaming is one of the few times where I experience the genuine sensation of being someone else entirely in a completely different place. I wonder if my dreams are truly products of imagination or perhaps glimpses of a parallel world. If it's the latter, I feel sorry for those versions of me that die.

It's funny to think that for some people, dreams are their escape from a shitty reality, but for me, it's quite the opposite. If I had a nickel for every time I've woken up from a car accident, failing a test, or an otherwise indescribably unfortunate situation, I would be a millionaire. 

I welcome reality every morning. It's good to be alive.

Remapping

Lately, my tinnitus has been driving me nuts. I've decided that enough was enough and began the long process of tinnitus retraining therapy. I'm not using any official program or outline. This is self-training through intuition.

The goal is to reshape my perception until the constant ringing becomes something I ignore on instinct. I achieve this by focusing on every other sound except the tinnitus. It's one of those things where the more you think about it, the worst it gets.

It is incredibly difficult to change my thinking, and I have a bad habit of making sure that my tinnitus is still there. I can go for short stretches without noticing, but then I think about it just as soon as I forget. My obsession keeps it there and makes it worse. The more you tell yourself not to think about it, the more you think about it.

There's two parts to my therapy: I have to control my emotional reaction to the condition, and I have to train my brain to focus on other sounds. Early results seem encouraging, if a little inconsistent. I've only done this for one day so far. The key component is to cut down on the time spent worrying about it.

Let's see if this makes life any easier.

Death of an Uncle

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind since my uncle died from cancer. He had been living with us for the last several months.

I had grown used to his presence. I never expected that he would one day disappear. I'm the kind of person who accepts things as they are, but when forced to face reality, I've no choice but to fold.

It's easy for me to distance myself from most things, but seeing the coffin and carrying it -- I was a pallbearer -- was overwhelming. The most affecting part of the funeral was seeing my family, normally stoic and easygoing, crack under grief -- especially my dad. I've never seen my dad sad before, and seeing it realized the full brunt of our loss. He had lost a brother.

Seeing the coffin sealed and buried was the moment I broke. A burial is not for the sake of the deceased, but to elicit suppressed feelings of grief -- catharsis.

My uncle knew what was coming since he outlived his prognosis by six months. He had everything arranged beforehand. His portrait was taken months ago and he selected his own burial plot.

Learning about this comforted me. Although his passing felt sudden, he was always ready, and he was able to spend his final days with his family, including my niece. That's more than most people get before they die.

I'm glad I was able to be a part of his life.

Farewell, uncle.

Recent Events

You have to know you're okay in order to feel okay. I went to see professionals to address issues that, if resolved, would marginally increase my quality of life.

The good news is that I'm physically fine. The bad news? It didn't solve anything. I don’t take risks and live moderately, so it’s unfortunate to fall victim to an unavoidable and random condition such as tinnitus.

I've had this ringing in my head for more than a year already, and when each of my doctors told me they've suffered through the same for over 20 years, that doesn't leave me with much optimism. I've suffered this twice before and both times, it went away on its own. My only hope is that the third time's the charm.

As if that wasn't enough, I fought off an infection that eroded my gums down to the root. I can feel the sharp edge underneath my tooth with my tongue. This prompted a visit to the dentist. It's been four years since I got fillings (and had my wisdom teeth removed), so this appointment was long overdue.

According to the dental exam, my teeth are in remarkably good condition given the time between cleanings. I couldn't get away completely unscathed. I have a small cavity in one tooth. It's not a problem yet, so it's under watch. I gotta give it extra TLC during brushing and flossing.

I was surprised to hear my teeth are fine since there's a hole in my mouth. I guess all those years of tenacious flossing paid off. Periodontal disease sucks. I fought another infection years back and the tooth looks extra longer because of it. At least it's healing up and my gums have almost filled in the gaps. Just a little more to go.

The brakes on my car were feeling weird so I went to get a free brake inspection. No problems with my brakes. I started braking more softly since the issue only showed up when I braked too hard. I could be avoiding the problem or it resolved itself. I don't know. If the mechanic wasn't lying (and there's no reason for him to since, you know, mechanics), then my brakes are fine. It could be an issue with something else. Until I start slipping, I'm not gonna worry about it too much.

As far as I know, I'm a healthy son of a bitch. All I have to do now is get my vision checked and maybe a physical. I'll do that next month since I spent too much lately. Such is the price of peace of mind.

Event Log: 1/1/15 - New Beginnings

YES!

We are finally here: 2015. I've got a good feeling about this. My best memories have always aligned with an odd year. Maybe because I was born on an odd one, or maybe, for some unconscious reason, I try harder. Whatever the case, this year is already an improvement by virtue of already being employed.

I know it sounds crazy, but a stable income changes everything. I can afford to do things now, like go on trips, eat at fancy restaurants, and buy stuff. I have a couple goals that I'd like to accomplish by the end of 2015.

1. Reach a net worth of $20,000.
2. Go on a big trip, preferably someplace overseas--like Tokyo.
3. Finish one, two, or all of my stories on FF.net.
4. Transition into original writing.
5. Destroy my gaming backlog. Or at least half of it.
?. Find a girlfriend...maybe. I say maybe because getting one will set me back on all my outlined goals--unless I meet someone extraordinary.

Welcome to 2015: Year of the Jomatto.

Event Log: 12/31/14- The Last Day

I woke up early and had a tough day at work, only because the writing I had to deal with was more terrible than usual. Back-to-back early mornings was probably catching up to me.

Today was a half day, so I got out early. I learned that the microwave didn't work. This meant I couldn't eat the fried rice from yesterday. I made myself a sandwich instead.

I was so tired, I took a nap--for three hours. I woke up and started working out. I asked my friend if he was up for some BF4 but he pulled a rain check. He never got back to me.

I played Destiny until I realized that the new year was going to begin in about twenty minutes. I took a quick shower but I was too late. I barely missed the countdown by probably ten seconds. I have no idea what my last words for 2014 were, but it's my custom to say goodbye to the old year and say hello to the new one.

"Goodbye, 2014. Hello, 2015."

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/30/14 - Full Auto

I got up early so that I could put in my two hours of overtime and still get home at my usual hour. I wasn't prepared for the cold winds when I got out. I was getting flashbacks to Chicago. I was afraid the wind was gonna blow my car off the road. The weather got so bad, I think it shut down my internet for a couple minutes. It was unfortunate timing because I was in a raid. When we finally finished it, I hopped on Battlefield 4 with my friend. It was another bad day for me. My friend is an outstanding player though. He was getting insane ratios. Not gonna lie, I was kinda jealous. Even though I should've went to bed early, I stayed up just so I could post that latest piece of Love Sick. Can't let my fans down!

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/29/14 - The Last Monday

Today was standard. I woke up and arrived to work at the usual time. I ate lunch, and afterward, experienced a brief moment of extreme drowsiness. I powered through like I always do. I went home, worked out, and then played Battlefield 4 to close out the night. I didn't play well. Destiny might've degraded my skill. My aim's been a little off. Don't know what's up. Maybe I should lower my sensitivity some more. On second thought, the problem is my firing rate. I'm probably feathering it too much when I should just go full auto. I went to bed late, which is bad since I'm planning on getting up early. I'll figure it out somehow.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/28/14 - End of an Era

When this year ends, so too will my Event Logs. I've had a good run, but with work, writing, and gaming, I just don't have enough time to talk about every little thing that goes on in my day. I won't get rid of these entirely. I'll probably just turn them into something weekly rather than daily. At the rate I'm pumping these out, they might as well be weekly anyways. I'm pretty strict on myself, so until the New Year, I'll keep it up.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/27/14 - A Minor Blip

Looks like PSN is back up again. Managed to squeeze in a few games, although we lost most of them. Pretty crappy day, to be honest. I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey, and it was so boring, I had to take a nap in the middle of the movie. I'm sorry, but there's nothing to be gained from watching a spaceship trying to land for a full minute. I was struggling to keep my eyes open in every scene. I'll put this one in the disappointing bin.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/26/14 - Work Again

I met my work quota and the company was kind enough to order pizza for us. I am now convinced that the guy behind me is an unproductive buffoon. He spends half the time socializing than working. And we wonder why the department is going to hell.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/25/14 - Christmas

I watched The Interview with my family for FREEDOM. On the low end of expectations for a Seth Rogan comedy. Like it better than Neighbors though.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/24/14 - On the Eve

Thanks, L***** Squad, for nothing. It was a good chance to work out, read some manga, and relax on my day off though.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/23/14 - Lagging Behind

I missed my quota by two. Not a huge loss, but still disappointing. It basically confirms that I have to work full steam with hardly any breaks--either that, or take massive shortcuts in my work. Either option doesn't seem very appealing. It's a work in progress.

I did two raids. I'm the only level 30 in a party of 31's. What can I say? I only play the bare minimum these days. Since I've got an unexpected day off tomorrow, I stayed up later than usual. I've got a tickle in my throat; I hope a good night's sleep can cure it!

With The Interview now available, I must watch it, for freedom's sake.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/22/14 - Return to Form

I went 20-6. That's like my average in Destiny, but in BF4, that's fantastic. Even though we lost a lot tonight, I feel like I've regained my form. There's still some jitters I gotta shake off, but I feel like I'm back to where I was, skill wise, before I stopped playing. Better yet, I didn't rage once. I did encounter some BS moments, but my frame of mind kept me grounded.

I saw one of my co-workers for the first time since our entire department moved into a different area. I'm convinced he doesn't actually do anything and I wonder why he still has a job. He's one of those guys that knows everybody but spends most of time talking instead of working. Chances are, he'll get a promotion before me,= since I'm the type to keep my head down and actually work. Not to brag, but I'm single-handedly holding it down for my department. No idea what the hell everybody else is doing.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/21/14 - Back to Battlefield

Every so often, the call of the Battlefield brings me back. Today was one such day. I couldn't be bothered with sports since my Saints have been officially eliminated from playoff contention, and I couldn't enjoy the overwhelming pounding I gave to my opponent in Fantasy since I'm in the consolation ladder--it doesn't mean anything.Since I feel no desire to play Destiny after missing the raid, me and my friend fired up Final Stand for the first time. It's the last expansion as part of BF4 premium. We went on a good run until I hit a spot where I raged like crazy. I'm a little embarrassed since I haven't raged that hard in months. I have now instituted a 30-second rule. If I'm about to rage, I will stop what I'm doing, wait 30 seconds, and then proceed. I like it so far, even though I have no idea where everything is.

/eventlog

Event Log: 12/20/14 - Annual Tradition

I saw the last of the Hobbit Trilogy. It's good, but not great. 48fps makes all the difference though. After the movie, I went to a Christmas dinner that me and my friend planned a couple weeks in advance. We went to Javier's Crystal Cove in Newport. The place was fancy. We got a pitcher of margaritas and I was pretty much done for the night. I can hardly remember how my food tasted. I had a small scare when I thought I lost my keys, but it turns out, it was in my front pocket all along. I even remember standing in front of the mirror, putting the keys in my front pocket, and buttoning it up. I blame my state of drunkenness for that. I wasted ten minutes of my friends' time. I felt so relieved when I found it. It's funny, because I put it in my front pocket so that it would be impossible for me to lose it. Talk about forgetting your glasses on your head.

/eventlog