Unknown to most people, Ideo has been responsible for many of the product designs that we see today, and their invisible guidance has seen an increase in profits for their clients, and an increase in the ease and usability of the products they designed.
In the swampy wetland of my mind, with the anxiousness regarding my writing workshop swirling around with my new-found entrepreneurial spirit ignited by watching the first season of The Apprentice, an idea emerged. A combination of product design and what I see as my ideal girl. If only we can manufacture for ourselves the perfect soul mate, half of the world's problems would undoubtedly be solved, but until that day comes, we have to make do with the messy affair of actually meeting up with vapid paper-thin machinations that we call "people," and go through the time-consuming, fund-dwindling enterprise known as "dating."
In either case, there are certainly some expectations that people have of their partners, and I will summarily provide my own. I won't say that my standards aren't impossibly high (or simply out of my league--so they say), so I have but only three conditions for my ideal girl.
1. Share my sense of humor.
Humor is a universal thing--well, most of the time it is, but that's what makes it such a unique skill. Comedians definitely have their work cut out for them because finding the one thing that makes everybody laugh is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Thankfully, these poor fools provide the rest of us, at least a shared base of laughs that we can dip into. How often have we quoted "The Chapelle Show" for cheap laughs since its inception? Because of their work, even the most unfunny of us can bring up a reliably funny quote and not sink into the pit of shit sense of humor.
That's why this requirement shouldn't be too hard to satisfy, though much of my humor has been informed by the admittedly nerdy gamer culture--rife with references to Engrish mistranslations of 8 and 16-bit games, full of message board 4chan memes and obscure allusions to shows from the 80's, with a healthy scoop of demented off-kilter Sacha Baron Cohen and Flight of the Conchords on top.
You know, I don't think I can ever recall a time in which a girl has made me laugh. How many times have I seen on TV, online, in real life, girls who say they want a man that can make them laugh? Relationships aren't one way, ye giveth, and ye taketh. If I'm gonna have to bust my ass to make you laugh, how bout you repay in kind? Unfortunately, I think my sense of humor is so demented and bent towards gamer culture, the girl's just going to have to rely on mainstream movies like "I Love You. Man," after all, who can't laugh when you're "slappin' the baaaasss!" In either case, if she laughs when I say "dick. in yo mouth," that's good enough for me.
2. Be daddy's little girl.
Never underestimate the power of childhood trauma. It can make even the most well-adjusted gentlemen turn into an outright dick, or a seemingly innocuous girl into one crazy-ass bitch! A girl with daddy issues is a recipe for disaster. This is my psychological-screening demand. It's not like you can ask a girl, "are you obsessive compulsive, bi-polar, or manic depressive?" No, you can ask, "are you daddy's little girl?" Girls who adore their fathers will demonstrate no issues with male authority figures, and because of that, we can avoid the case of obsessively mistrustful and jealous girls who have no faith in themselves. Really, with a daddy's girl, there are only two possibilities: a well-adjusted personality that is rewarding to spend time with, or: she and her father are psychotic partners in crime. 99% of the time, it'll be the former.
3. Be a worthy opponent.
I believe in equality. I don't want a girl that will feed my ego, it's horrendously big enough as it is, and if it got any larger, I'd miraculously turn into a jerk--if I'm not one already. Just to be on the safe side, I wouldn't want a girl that I could dominate because domination gets pretty boring after awhile, as my friend would say to me, "don't be a bully." I'm sure there are men out there who would love their women meek and mild, but that's not for me. On the flip side, I wouldn't want to be a dog either, the idea of a whip-cracking dominatrix for a partner does not entice me in the least. I don't wanna be henpecked to death by a "strong-willed" woman either. I'd like to keep my balls thank you very much.
We all have issues, even if we don't want to admit it. I just need somebody to help me sort them out. We all need to win and lose on occasion, and for that, I'll just need a worthy opponent. It gives me something to strive for. The final boss can't be mind-numbingly difficult, or easy as pie, it just has to provide the right amount of challenge that doesn't make it too frustrating, but still give you that sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
Those are my three conditions and chances are, I will never ever find those three in combination in this vast wasteland of a world. Who knows, it's not like I've been looking for a relationship to begin with, although I do have to add that I find short boyish hair completely irresistible. Some guys like long luxurious locks but I find those short pixie bob cuts incredibly sexy. I'll stop now.
