As a pragmatic, grounded, and realistic individual, I generally manage my expectations--things just don't jump out and surprise me. It's a large part of the reason that I don't believe in any of that fate or "love-at-first sight" nonsense. That kind of stuff just doesn't happen in real life and to expect that it will is just plain unreasonable. You'd have better luck winning the lottery than finding that one true perfect soul mate that complements you in every way, but that doesn't mean that I'm immune to epiphanies, the kind of earth-shattering revelation that makes you question your whole perspective on things. Today, I woke up and had one such momentous and tremendous discovery: I am in love with a man.
It all happened over spring break, it was the time to be loose and free, having come off the heels of finals, I was looking to celebrate. I drove over to my friend's place for a few drinks--I was entitled to it, after all, I triple aced my classes (probably). My friend warned me that he was going to have a couple of friends over, which I didn't mind since I was sufficiently buzzed enough to not care about unfamiliar faces, but how was I supposed to know that at that moment, everything would change? That my entire perspective in life would suffer a paradigm shift so dramatic, that the very tectonic foundations of my life have, more or less, been disintegrated?
It was when I saw him for the first time. It was an odd sensation, it felt wrong, almost...forbidden, but the leaps in my stomach and the warm feeling that rose from up inside me was pleasant in a way. I've never felt this way towards another man before so its foreign nature was exotic, alluring, and irresistible. I tried to chalk it up to my alcohol induced haze; surely, I could not be attracted to another man could I? Trying to quell this new-found urge was a difficult and trying task; it went against everything that I thought I knew about myself. Despite my attempts, it persisted.
The first conversation was awkward. I was red-faced, too shy to be "natural" about things, but he volunteered most of the relevant information himself. His name was Jack. Despite "Jack" being the most common name and all that, the actual number of people that I've met whose name was actually Jack has been, well, zero up until that point. When you think about it, Jack is a pretty nice, strong-sounding, very masculine name. He was--it's hard to say this--considering--but, well, he was beautiful. His chiseled features were fine and rough, it was a very grizzled look. I couldn't help but be mesmerized. I hoped my glances were surreptitious, but he would catch me a few times and smile back, much to my embarrassment.
It was touch and go from that point on. I would visit my friend periodically, hoping to catch another glimpse of Jack. His presence had me far more affected than any other person, or any other girl for that matter. It was uncomfortable at first, realizing this conclusion but I could no longer deny the truth. When you go through life, and finally meet that special someone who makes your days a little brighter, it finally dawns on you on how dull your life was before meeting that person. The constant justifications didn't make things any better. No matter how many times I looked at it, I had to close my eyes.
There were just so many obstacles. My family is Catholic, how would they be able to handle the news? I mean, it took me such a long time to come to terms with it. But I've come to terms with it. All those feeling of uneasiness, after freely admitting it to myself, just disappeared. The feeling of freedom is just unimaginable. The world really does seem like it's full of possibilities. So now I'll just say it plainly: I am gay. I am a gay man. God it feels good to admit it. I hope that with this post, I can finally start my life in a new way, with a fresh perspective, and meet any challenges head-on.
