You Sound Hot

There are certain things that are always sexy--at least until the moment of disillusionment comes, but until that moment comes, our imaginations run wild. Perhaps the greatest of instrument of sexiness that a woman can control is our imagination. It's why some people apply class distinctions between lingerie models and strippers. One is classy, and the other is classless.

That's why something as disembodied as a voice can be extremely sexy. With no frame of reference, we are free to imagine just how utterly hot the speaker must be in order to produce such a sexy sound. This must be the reason why phone sex lines are still around even today. Something about a woman saying naughty things to you is very...thrilling.

But then things fall apart as soon as you see her face.

Then again, there are also voices that are just plain annoying and bitchy as hell. No matter how hot you are, if listening to you speak is akin to putting a cheese grater to my ears, consider my ass gone.

Final Fantasy XIII

The trailer for Final Fantasy XIII amazed when it was unveiled almost half a decade ago. A long time has passed since the announcement, but now that the game is here, does it live up to the name “Final Fantasy?”


Describing the story of most RPG’s is like trying to explain one season of an anime series. It’s too comprehensive to cover in detail, but the basic premise involves a struggle between citizens of Cocoon, a giant floating shell in the sky, and elements of Pulse, the hell-world below.

You’ll get to play as various characters in different situations, but the most prolific is Lightning. The story starts when trains filled with people are being delivered to their extermination, all in order to protect the fearful citizens of cocoon from the threat of “l’cie.” Fal’cie are giant monsters/deities that take care of humans, and l’cie are people who are controlled by a Fal’cie. The entire dynamic between fal’cie, l‘cie, and crystals is standard convoluted Japanese fare that relies on in-depth knowledge of the universe. The included Datalog, which catalogues and records your adventures and every character you meet, is immensely useful in figuring out exactly what the hell is going on. As great as the Datalog is, it also magnifies the weakness of the storytelling, because what kind of story relies on an accompanying encyclopedia just to understand it?

The story presents the necessary ups and downs of an arduous journey filled with challenges, along with some idealistic preaching with a mix of flashbacks to flesh out the details. The characters change over the course of 13 days, and while the story isn’t spectacular, you may become fond of some of the characters, and that in itself, is no small achievement.

FFXIII may be the most linear RPG you may ever play—but that isn’t a bad thing. Gameplay can be broken down into exploration, combat, and watching cutscenes if you’re feeling pedantic. Exploration has been dumbed down and reduced to the simple act of moving an analog stick around. Finally picking up from Half-Life’s innovation of scripted sequences in real-time, you might find yourself running while ships randomly crash in the background as well as other scenes of destruction unfold to give you a sense of conflict and scale. Exploration is straightforward as all pathways are clearly defined. There aren’t many forks and dead-ends usually hold a treasure chest for those who like to go off the beaten path. This may come as an immense disappointment to folks who relish the old school formula of town>overworld>dungeon rinse and repeat template, but for those of us who don’t care, it’s not that bad.

Combat is easily the best part of the game where suites of abilities are associated with a specific “job.” Battle is mostly automated, which calls for the player to switch job configurations on the fly as part of higher-order strategic posturing. Since you only control one character (AI controls the other two), the battle system makes you more like a “coach.” As awful as it may sound, I found the speed of battle fast and rewarding.

One of the most puzzling parts of the game is the weapon upgrade system, which frankly makes no sense. You’ll gather a bunch of organic and machine parts which arbitrarily contribute points towards your weapon’s “levels.” It’s obscure enough to require excel sheets to figure out.

Some people may find Final Fantasy XIII the worst “Final Fantasy” yet but I quite like it a lot. I always hated forks in the road, and towns were simply an excuse to read poorly translated lines of dialogue anyway. With the best combat system in the series and some great music, Final Fantasy XIII is a fantasy worth entertaining.

Working Out

There are certain responses that I always expect to hear simply because I've received it so many times after asking the same question. After graduating, I've been meeting up with a lot of old familiar faces. Since we haven't seen each other in a while, we ask, "What have you been up to lately?" It's called catching up and its always nice to know what the other person's been up.

Almost unanimously, there is one thing that is always included with the usual variation of school and work:

Working out.

At this point, I'm not sure if people are legitimately going to the gym, or if they're just throwing the line out because its the standard thing to say. I guess my question reveals some sort of fundamental lack of trust in my own "friends," but as a journalist, I cannot submit to "blind faith." It is in my nature to question and ponder everything I hear. It's a rather paranoid manner of approaching things, I know, but I value truth more than anything else.

But if what I'm hearing isn't just lip service and is actually the truth, then I am rather glad. Especially when politicians and pundits sound off obesity as one of America's greatest problems, I am secure in the fact that I am in good company, company that isn't contributing to the problem.

And if any of you guys are wondering what I've been up to lately, well...I've just been working out you know?

Bioshock 2

Some games are so good, they make it hard for the successor to live up to expectations. This is the case with Bioshock 2. The funny thing is that Bioshock 2 does everything its predecessor did, except better--the only thing missing is the surprise.

In Bioshock 2, you play as a Big Daddy. Despite your heavy frame, you move surprisingly nimble. In addition to the assortment of pistols, tommy guns, and grenade launchers, you get to wield a gas-powered hand drill, which makes for some particularly brutal encounters. The game follows the same formula as the previous game, where exploration and combat take center stage. Fighting against splicers remain as fun as ever, as you throw a combination of ammunition and plasmids into their faces, stringing together comboes with different powers to maximize damage. The game remains flexible and gives you many combat options from defense-orientated trap setting to Rambo-style full assaults. Enemy types are still the same, with the exception of the big sisters, a more limber version of the big daddy.

While the luster of exploring Rapture has worn off, the place is still detailed and interesting. The environment is still packed with video recordings to give insight in to Rapture society pre-rapture, and minor excursions into the seawater give you an up-close look at coral flora. Ruin is everywhere, the buildings crumble, drip, and leak. Debris and rubble litter the place. The music remains fantastic, echoing an era long past with classic lounge jazz and sad strings to punctuate dramatic moments.

One of the great things about Bioshock is the feeling that you're not alone, that you're only one part of a thriving ecosystem that functions without you. This is further emphasized in the sequel since it gives you direct interaction with the little sisters. AI-controlled characters roam around the world and the feeling of "scripted" is scaled back. Encounters feel more dynamic (even if they aren't) and the game is more polished overall.

Unfortunately, the feeling of "been there, done that" pervades every part of the experience and the final narrative twist isn't as powerful. While there are still some interesting perspective shifts, if you've played the first, there's nothing new here. But don't let that stop you from enjoying a fine sequel. We could all use a little Rapture now and then.

At least until Bioshock Infinite comes out.

999: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors

It's hard to categorize a game like 999, especially in terms of accepted western genre classifications. The game is a visual novel with puzzle elements, but I'm sure most of America has no idea what a visual novel is. Luckily, a visual novel is one of the few genre names that actually defines itself quite well. It is a novel with visuals.

The description might sound like a children's book or a comic but it's not. It's specific to video games. The interactive nature of a visual novel gives the reader some level of influence in the story. This influence usually manifests itself in the form of multiple endings. As an introduction to such a niche genre, you can do no better than 999.

You play as a college student named Junpei, who gets home to his apartment only to be knocked unconscious by an ominous figure wearing a gas mask. Next thing you know, you wake up in a ship room with a broken window and seawater pouring in, forcing you to figure a way out. It's actually a rather exciting introduction to a warped scenario. You are part of a group of nine people who have been knocked out the same way and taken to this ship as part of the "nonary game." As you'll soon find out, the nonary game is not exactly a game you'd want to be playing.

Reminiscent of Battle Royale and Psyren, the story is a mix of suspense, mystery, and thrills. Rather than throw spectacular set-pieces to ratchet up that feeling of awe, the game's story accomplishes that through intense characterization and the plot. The story of 999 is something that can only be done through games and you won't get the full story unless you reach all of the endings. Rest assured, the game will blow your mind.

In terms of actual gameplay mechanics, the game is essentially a series of rote button presses to advance dialogue and description text, with the odd choice thrown in for good measure. The puzzle sequences are the only parts of the game that are truly interactive. Puzzles are complex enough to warrant the use of the DS' touch functions which require you to drag, switch on, and combine different items. The puzzles are very much in the vein of classic adventure games where direct interaction with items is done through an inventory screen.

Since the game necessitates repeat playthroughs in order to get to the true ending, there's a decent amount of replay value. My only complaint is that story sequences cannot be skipped entirely, only fast-forwarded. So if you want to get to the new stuff, you have to go through the old stuff again.

There are gamer's games, and then there these kinds of games. This is a special game that demonstrates the possibilities for interactive narrative. In a market flooded by shooters and rehashes, it's always nice to try something new for a change.

Day 16: Finality?

It's been 16 days since I cut myself off from the only thing I knew all my life: school. Now that I'm stranded by myself, untethered by the doldrums of college, I have only silhouettes and mirages to look forward to. This is indeed the most trying period of my life--in more ways than one.

I'm like a train that's been plowing through obstacle after obstacle, but no matter how powerful I am, I'm still bound by a little track. Some people get derailed in life, and some people lay tracks well into the future. I'm neither derailed nor set for life. I suppose its finally time to start laying down some tracks.

The last two weeks have been my little vacation. It's finally time to start up the engine and start running.

Day 15: The Girl I Need

Some time ago, I decided to outline the requirements for my Ideal Girl. As fun as it was to read my rambling and arbitrary set of prerequisites, a small part of me knew better. What else can I expect of myself when my favorite song of all time is You Can't Always Get What You Want? We know what we want, but we don't know what we need. The distinction is important because wants have the tendency to let us down, but needs will always satisfy.

I present: My Ideal Girl, Revised

1. Dating demands that we engage in rituals that we would otherwise never engage in if it weren't for the prospect of acquiring a significant other. In order words: it makes us do stupid out-of-character shit. My first requirement is simple then: she must let me be myself.

If I have to pretend to be somebody else to keep her--then what the hell is the point of being with her? I'm not a caterpillar waiting for a girl to get me into a cocoon so I can emerge a glorious butterfly. I'm already badass. And if she can't recognize that, then I'll gladly sic her on some other insecure bastard who needs a puppeteer in his life.

2. Since dating is a two-way street, it only makes sense that the opposite is also true. I want my girl to be herself. I don't want her catering to my every whim and fancy (okay, maybe I do...just a little bit) just because she wants to be with me. I want to know my girl in all of her complexities and imperfections, no matter how scary it can be. If she tries to hide who she really is, it's only a matter of time before things would break apart anyways.

If a couple is true to themselves, they're true to each other.

3. Most of us don't have the ability to change ourselves through sheer force of willpower. The most natural way that we grow and evolve is through relationships. In a relationship, change is inevitable. No matter how firmly fixed our personalities are, we have to submit to change if we want to grow. My last requirement is simple: my girl has to make me a better person. It's unfortunate when relationships ends on bad terms leaving nothing but hatred and resentment in its wake. Even if my girl were to leave me, she would leave me a better person, wiser, more experienced, and filled with hope for the future.

Given the choice between my ideal girl and the girl I need, I think the answer is obvious.

Give me what I need!