5th Degree Douche: Douche by Appearance
I'm pretty sure we've all walked down the street and seen some ultra-tan dude with bulging muscles, donning a wife beater, wearing aviator sunglasses, and with enough gel in his hair to erect the Eiffel tower. The first thought that comes to mind: this guy is a douche. Hell, I walk down the UCI campus and think half the dudes there are douches simply because is what they wear. It doesn't matter if they turn out to be swell guys because they are guilty of 5th degree douche, douche by appearance. Other offending articles of clothing include: skinny jeans, too-short t's, beanie's on a hot day, and shirts with self-aggrandizing logos.
4th Degree Douche: Douche by Omission
Ever left a text message on a friend's phone only for him to never answer back? Ever told somebody to hit you up later only for them to never get back to you? Ever called a guy out only for him to ignore you in front of everybody? Ever had a buddy that conveniently "forgot" that he owed you money? That, my friends, is what we call douche by omission. These are the people who are apparently "too busy" to make time for friends. Whether or not it's because they're legitimately busy is of no concern to me, because if I've been trying to set up something for the past couple weeks with little to no sign of any kind of reciprocation, you are a certified 4th degree douche. It's not what you did, it's what you didn't do. I'm looking at you Mr. Pink!
3rd Degree Douche: Douche by Words
I ain't your "bro" "brah," so don't be throwing douche vocabulary at me. 3rd degree douchery is particularly aggravating since they dominate conversations with their banality. They brag, soliloquize about inanity, and make remarkably off-color jokes. They think themselves as center of the universe and must always have the spotlight on themselves. You have people who intentionally adopt controversial stances just to be different, you have the whiners who complain about absolutely everything in life, you have guys seemingly afflicted with Tourette's who cannot express themselves without expletives, and you have the preachy mofo's who wants to change everybody's minds and is always right. If they'd just shut up, the world would be so much better.
2nd Degree Douche: Douche by Action
As bad as it is listening to douchespeak, you could at least tune them out. It's not as easy to avoid 2nd Degree Douchery however. It's a rather large umbrella of actions that includes generally dick moves that screw over other people. Things like cutting in line, cockblocking, cheating, stealing your buddy's girlfriend, saving over your friend's save, team-killing, griefing, kicking puppies, keying cars, knocking over trashcans, pissing on furniture, and everything that should be considered as a crime but isn't. By this metric, 90% of the drivers on the road are 2nd degree douches--which sounds about right.
1st Degree Douche: Douche by Thought
Whence doth all douche derive? From the thought. This is the most dangerous form of douchery. This is why we have laws that make no sense, why our prisons are packed to the brim, why our schools are stretched to capacity, why our tax money is diverted towards meaningless endeavors, and why people don't know any better. This is the douche that you don't know is a douche who could be pulling douche moves behind the scenes. It's like finding out that the pleasant neighbor next-door was really a serial killer all along.
If you think like a douche, you are a douche.
6th Degree Douche: Douche by Association
If you know a douche and are friends with one, then by association, you are also a douche. It behooves you to take anti-douche measure and seek corrective action so that you may no longer be a douche. Let's not live in a society where douchery is encouraged to be free and thriving, we must all make an effort to curtail the epidemic and stamp douchery out of existence once and for all.
All it takes for douchery to prevail is for good men to do nothing.
